Saturday, February 28, 2009

I saw him today, he smiled and waved "Hi"

Today grace insisted on watching the "married one", or in english, our wedding dvd. Why not I thought, and she loved it. I don't watch it much, too many people i wish i still was in contact with or could see without getting on a plane, reminds me of what i have left behind as things change and who i miss, now i think i might never watch it again.
We were so blessed to have a friend who was a professional wedding videographer so we had footage at out ceremony and at our reception. My camera shy (not so)little brother seemed to avoid the camera at the ceremony, but the footage at the reception begins with a shot at each table going around and everyone waving and smiling, finishing with my family table, and there, last, with the longest awkward shot(everything he did seemed a little awkward) ... Looking right into the camera, he smiled and waved.

So now i should be posting super cute photos of grace getting her ballet gear, but i cant, and i should be baking cupcakes and cleaning up and making party food but i cant do that either.
I sit with what feels like a physical weight on my chest searching the internet for other survivor blogs, writing and waiting for denial and business to take over again...

For my frinds who read this, don't worry, I will be fine and i will probably get around to doing all those things I need to do later, but right now i will find rest in the place i know there is peace, with a worship Cd and the healing, restoring word of God.

Why are good memories the ones that hurt most?


  1. Tara,

    I want to call you but you might be asleep. I don't want to wake you back what sounds like its been a terrible night. I have cried and cried and cried when I read this. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to see Joe. I am so sorry he isn't here. I am so sorry for everything. If you gt this message before you go to bed you know you can call me. i will be up late as we are all sick here.

    I am so sorry you are by yourself tonight. Tomorrow is another day Tara, the sun will rise soon enough.

    Love to you x

  2. Dear Tara,
    I'm so very sorry you are without your brother. I can't imagine how painful it is for you. My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. With love, Mel