I went back to the memorial park where we said Goodbye to Joe last year, almost i year exactly, not of my own accord mind you. I went to be there for my friend. I still cant imagine how both of us, childhood friends from the age of 6- have lost our only brother the same way in one year.
Being at the service reminded me of being around her family as a child. Her parents were good to me. Bobbo always told marika (light heartedly) to 'get the wadgy girl out my house'. Eventually he just called me wadgy. Wadgilla is the term used now to refer to White people generally although it started as a negative description of the early settlers. Really it was a colour blind relationship I had with their family, and still is despite our cultural reality being very different. To most it is us and them in Australia. The indigenous Australians and the European Austrlians. Our worlds overlap some but Despite all the 'multicultural' policy efforts and positive discrimination as they call it,Australia is still very divided in spirit and in outcomes such as health and education. I never realised I was being allowed into a world that i didnt belong and I never though twice about whereing a shirt promoting Nyoongah culture or the aboriginal flags as i often borrowed from Marika. I was privaledged in my opinion and as I stood in a crowd today where I must not have looked like I belonged, I heard cry of mother for a son, uncles for a nephew and memories shared between friends. Our pain is the same. God created us all the same dispite our uniqueness and differences, we are the same in spirit.

Tonight i am praying for my friend and her family. I am praying against depression, suicide and drug use in all young people in Austrlia and I am praying for the Aboriginal community in Australia, that they would be freed from the things that are leading them to have higher than average rates of drug use and suicide.

the week that took a nose dive....

so it has been a while hasnt it? so long that I had 9 follwers now i have only 8... well here is a little of why the delay.

Things were ok(maybe even really good!) the beggining of this week. i had a great time taking the alternative eduction students from the program our church runs to see Reggie Dabbs. Reggie is a phenomenal youth speaker who connects and speaks to youth especially those in dark places, in a way i have never seen anyone else do. Our students got alot out of his message praise God and the all got free tickets to the outreach event next month -PRAISE GOD coz we were going to buy them!

D is enjoying academy and has been kept on as sqauad leader even though the are supposed to give other people a go, the supervising seargent dosnt wasnt want D to hand over the stripes.
There is a possibility(probability) of a sweet country post only 45 minutes from where we live(we live on the outer edge of the metro area) which would be great and come with a rent free house, early probation finish and 20% more pay!

so heres where things took a turn for the worse...
Sunday night got a message from mum saying "call me, Marika (a old school friend who i have not seen in a few weeks) is here, call NOW"
I knew it wasnt good. This was my best friend since grace one (first year of school age 5). I was at her house all the time, even went to family events with them (picture irridescent white child-me-at Aboriginal family events)...i knew her brother, he had had a drug problem when we were in highschool. I thought he was past that, he had a 3 year old son. I hadn't seen him in years.
I called mum, she put her on the phone to me.
I dont really remember what she said just "he went the same way as Joe" .

Rest in Peace Robert (Bobbo) Eggington


Afternote: i will delete this post in a day or two because i want to share this blog with my friend and I dont want her to have to face this post.

DONT READ THIS-seriously just an emotional rant

Lately i have been reading alot of police/police wife blogs, you know just coz, and i am on overnight shifts with some time to kill... and just recently i was thinking about this program we usually do called red frogs- sort of a chaplaincy program for all the school levers who go on massive road trips and have weeklong parties, the call it leavers or schoolies here(for American readers). So D wont be able to do that with me this year coz not only will he have work commitments, it would be a conflict of interest... got me thinking.
For at least a while know we seemed to be headed down the pastoring path and i just imageined i would be a pastor/pastors wife you know with a church and stuff eventually. i dont know how that fits with this new path he has choosen. Since ministry is very much what i have lived for for years, a different future is somewhat daunting.
The more i read cop blogs the more i realise we are in for a very different reality to what i thought and for the first time i feel like i will be laying down some of my dreams for his. But i know God is in control and when we decided he would apply, this is the path we felt he should take.
I now face the prospect of country time, leaving my youth, our church and all the ministry roles I exist in. I face the very real possiblity that his shifts will conflict with youth commitments and church commitments even if we can stay in the city. In ministry I am the organiser and facilitator but he is the pastor. He is the shepherd, where I sometimes lack in the relational side of ministry, and i dont know where the ministry would be if i were in it alone.

His shifts on top of my shift work is beginning to take a bit of a toll on us, and we are struggling to find someone to look after the kids during our shift overlaps. I cant begin to see how our family will look like what i imagined even 1 year ago

So now i will stand in faith, and hold onto the the prophesies and dreams God has given me, knowing He was fuly aware i would be married to cop and His words will not return to Him void.

Forgive me if i get a little emo on everyone, life is just a bit raw at the minute and i dont really mind sharing because i feel quite on edge, so atleast if people who know me read this they might understand why.

On a different subject but part of i guess what is making me really raw is this month. I dread the beginning of August. August brings with it the count down to 1 year passes, until my birthday. click on Joes Legacy to understand. i really dont want to actually write any of that out. This sucks actually. I dont want to have a birthday but i cant figure out a way to avoid it. i dont want a birthday gift or card. Actually all birthdays are difficult because of the memories and thoughts but i havnt figured out a way to avoid those either.
so if you knw me, dont wonder why my phone is off on my birthday and im not home and i delete happy birthday messages off facebook.

dude i should not blog at 4 in the morning while emo and after 1(apparently too many) red bulls...sorry if you had to read that

I saw him today, he smiled and waved "Hi"

Today grace insisted on watching the "married one", or in english, our wedding dvd. Why not I thought, and she loved it. I don't watch it much, too many people i wish i still was in contact with or could see without getting on a plane, reminds me of what i have left behind as things change and who i miss, now i think i might never watch it again.
We were so blessed to have a friend who was a professional wedding videographer so we had footage at out ceremony and at our reception. My camera shy (not so)little brother seemed to avoid the camera at the ceremony, but the footage at the reception begins with a shot at each table going around and everyone waving and smiling, finishing with my family table, and there, last, with the longest awkward shot(everything he did seemed a little awkward) ... Looking right into the camera, he smiled and waved.

So now i should be posting super cute photos of grace getting her ballet gear, but i cant, and i should be baking cupcakes and cleaning up and making party food but i cant do that either.
I sit with what feels like a physical weight on my chest searching the internet for other survivor blogs, writing and waiting for denial and business to take over again...

For my frinds who read this, don't worry, I will be fine and i will probably get around to doing all those things I need to do later, but right now i will find rest in the place i know there is peace, with a worship Cd and the healing, restoring word of God.

Why are good memories the ones that hurt most?