I went back to the memorial park where we said Goodbye to Joe last year, almost i year exactly, not of my own accord mind you. I went to be there for my friend. I still cant imagine how both of us, childhood friends from the age of 6- have lost our only brother the same way in one year.
Being at the service reminded me of being around her family as a child. Her parents were good to me. Bobbo always told marika (light heartedly) to 'get the wadgy girl out my house'. Eventually he just called me wadgy. Wadgilla is the term used now to refer to White people generally although it started as a negative description of the early settlers. Really it was a colour blind relationship I had with their family, and still is despite our cultural reality being very different. To most it is us and them in Australia. The indigenous Australians and the European Austrlians. Our worlds overlap some but Despite all the 'multicultural' policy efforts and positive discrimination as they call it,Australia is still very divided in spirit and in outcomes such as health and education. I never realised I was being allowed into a world that i didnt belong and I never though twice about whereing a shirt promoting Nyoongah culture or the aboriginal flags as i often borrowed from Marika. I was privaledged in my opinion and as I stood in a crowd today where I must not have looked like I belonged, I heard cry of mother for a son, uncles for a nephew and memories shared between friends. Our pain is the same. God created us all the same dispite our uniqueness and differences, we are the same in spirit.

Tonight i am praying for my friend and her family. I am praying against depression, suicide and drug use in all young people in Austrlia and I am praying for the Aboriginal community in Australia, that they would be freed from the things that are leading them to have higher than average rates of drug use and suicide.

Night shift ramblings

So here I am, on my red eye shifts again, with a little more than a bit of time on my hands, so i am free to write a little about my week. Let me tell you (if anyone is actually reading this), denial and avoidance have served me well over the past few days.
Our hopes of buying our own house were all but quashed in the same week that Grandpa passed away. Did i mention the funeral happened to land on what would have been my brothers 20th birthday, our first without him. oh and it was held at the same memorial park his was. Needless to say i couldn't go. Should i have... yes, did i want to say a final goodbye to Grandpa, yes. Would i have curled up in a fetal position before leaving the car to go inside and stayed there for hours, possibly weeks if i tried to go back - who knows how function at times like these, but i couldn't risk it.

My mum and Dad got tattoos to mark his birthday, i probably would have too accept our pastors aren't too keen on tattoos and i am all for respecting the authority God has placed over us.
My dad got Joe(he is really not a complicated man) and my mum along with a picture she designed with various elements that are representative to her, got the words. 'i love you son, see you tomorrow'. Before you suggest i send out the suicide watch, she said that at his funeral too, i think like me, it is easier to pretend he is just being a little more anti social than usual and we are bound to see him soon than face reality.

So in this week of low points there were a few highlights too, Duncan finally got his confirmation letter for the start of his police academy training in July.

Youth group and Church are off the Richter - we have without exageration doubled in one term (youth that is) and it is all people that have never been in church before, not just collecting extra floaters from other churches,commenly referred to by my old youth pastor as 'sheep stealing' :).

The GKGW course is doing wonders with the kids, we are currently teaching grace the interupt courtesy and respect for elders. Jaeda is all but a new child since adding more structure and boundaries to her day, oh and did i mention my only just 3 year old used the word Incredible in a sentence, in context this week. Last week it was 'enourmous'.

We have the morning tea tomorrow at the Barnardos Mother of the year Awards. I nominated Carly back in January and she has made top 3 in the state. We find out tomorow if we fly to Sydney for the nationals.

Check out this online mag if you havn't already. It has heaps of sweet christian content, blog directory and they support heaps of charities and ministries with free add space. It had over 1 million hits on its last issue, if you weren't one of 'em you must check it out. if you were i know will be keen to check out the new issue. Oh and one of my photo's of esperance is in there :)

grandpa's gone home

Last night Duncan's grandpa, the girls great grandpa (aka rararandpa) went home to Jesus. For all of the family it is sad today but also a relief as well, since he had a stroke earlier this year life was not how he would have wanted it, and although he couldn't communicate, we could understand that he did not want to be in the position he was, i always found it hard to visit, to see such a proud and independent man like that.




Grandpa adored the girls, his only great grandchildren so far, and i am so glad they got the time with him, i wonder if grace will remember him in years to come? We lived with Duncan's parents and grandpa for a time when grace was between 12 and 18 months, she loved the extra company of grandpa around all day- not to mention begging for a taste of his eggs at breakfast everyday.

When Grandpa had the stroke i regretted not asking him to write something for the girls later in life, He had so much life experience and wisdom gained, loved God and loved them dearly. I hope to get the other greats to do it and i will put it together in a book called grandpa's letters. They have so much family history, experience and knowledge to share. I would love to see other people to do it to, especially new parents whose parents are a lot older, with parenthood being delayed to later in life i think a lot of teenage/young adults no longer have all their grandparents around, yet they are such a valuable input for values and knowledge.


Grandpa loved the pipes- this was at his 90th birthday recently....

As for Grandpa, my girls may not really remember him when they are older but i know they will benifit from all the things he taught their Dad. When his Dad wasn't there for Him, Grandpa was, and there are plenty of beautiful things he does as a father that he remembers Grandpa doing with him and his brother, not to mention his legacy of prayer and walking with God that will remain for generations to come.

I saw him today, he smiled and waved "Hi"

Today grace insisted on watching the "married one", or in english, our wedding dvd. Why not I thought, and she loved it. I don't watch it much, too many people i wish i still was in contact with or could see without getting on a plane, reminds me of what i have left behind as things change and who i miss, now i think i might never watch it again.
We were so blessed to have a friend who was a professional wedding videographer so we had footage at out ceremony and at our reception. My camera shy (not so)little brother seemed to avoid the camera at the ceremony, but the footage at the reception begins with a shot at each table going around and everyone waving and smiling, finishing with my family table, and there, last, with the longest awkward shot(everything he did seemed a little awkward) ... Looking right into the camera, he smiled and waved.

So now i should be posting super cute photos of grace getting her ballet gear, but i cant, and i should be baking cupcakes and cleaning up and making party food but i cant do that either.
I sit with what feels like a physical weight on my chest searching the internet for other survivor blogs, writing and waiting for denial and business to take over again...

For my frinds who read this, don't worry, I will be fine and i will probably get around to doing all those things I need to do later, but right now i will find rest in the place i know there is peace, with a worship Cd and the healing, restoring word of God.

Why are good memories the ones that hurt most?

Ups and Downs

Daddy is at home with us today. The work situation is not lookin good. Praise God he is starting with the police in July but i think it may be a rocky road until then... throws a bit of a spanner in the works of our routine too but thats cool, coz the girls love thier Daddy time. The room time went really well with both girls today, grace went from crying the whole half hour nearly to really enjoying her time to herself today setting up a little doll shop and clothes without being raided by the toddler tornado she calls her sister.
Jaeda was a little unimpressed at first but enjoyed her blocks and stacking cups while G painted in peace. Surprisingly they got along so much better when they played together after.
Tomorrow i will try catch so pics of them and work out how to post them.

We all went for dinner last night for my Cousins 20th. It was a good night and all you can eat went down sooo well with the kids! She was born the same year as my brother and i wonder how long her events will be crowded with the thoughts of Joe would be .... too. For my parents the look on their face is less of a realisation of that, more like every time is something else being stolen from them. Last night they were reminded that they will grieve the loss of a son's 20th celebration, as well as the loss of a son this year. Still it was good to see family and eat rediculous amounts of soft serve ice cream covered in chocolate chips.

Carly, so how far away do you think we can get in September. A million miles away sounds good to me... maybe further.