Tuesday, July 28, 2009

DONT READ THIS-seriously just an emotional rant

Lately i have been reading alot of police/police wife blogs, you know just coz, and i am on overnight shifts with some time to kill... and just recently i was thinking about this program we usually do called red frogs- sort of a chaplaincy program for all the school levers who go on massive road trips and have weeklong parties, the call it leavers or schoolies here(for American readers). So D wont be able to do that with me this year coz not only will he have work commitments, it would be a conflict of interest... got me thinking.
For at least a while know we seemed to be headed down the pastoring path and i just imageined i would be a pastor/pastors wife you know with a church and stuff eventually. i dont know how that fits with this new path he has choosen. Since ministry is very much what i have lived for for years, a different future is somewhat daunting.
The more i read cop blogs the more i realise we are in for a very different reality to what i thought and for the first time i feel like i will be laying down some of my dreams for his. But i know God is in control and when we decided he would apply, this is the path we felt he should take.
I now face the prospect of country time, leaving my youth, our church and all the ministry roles I exist in. I face the very real possiblity that his shifts will conflict with youth commitments and church commitments even if we can stay in the city. In ministry I am the organiser and facilitator but he is the pastor. He is the shepherd, where I sometimes lack in the relational side of ministry, and i dont know where the ministry would be if i were in it alone.

His shifts on top of my shift work is beginning to take a bit of a toll on us, and we are struggling to find someone to look after the kids during our shift overlaps. I cant begin to see how our family will look like what i imagined even 1 year ago

So now i will stand in faith, and hold onto the the prophesies and dreams God has given me, knowing He was fuly aware i would be married to cop and His words will not return to Him void.

Forgive me if i get a little emo on everyone, life is just a bit raw at the minute and i dont really mind sharing because i feel quite on edge, so atleast if people who know me read this they might understand why.

On a different subject but part of i guess what is making me really raw is this month. I dread the beginning of August. August brings with it the count down to 1 year passes, until my birthday. click on Joes Legacy to understand. i really dont want to actually write any of that out. This sucks actually. I dont want to have a birthday but i cant figure out a way to avoid it. i dont want a birthday gift or card. Actually all birthdays are difficult because of the memories and thoughts but i havnt figured out a way to avoid those either.
so if you knw me, dont wonder why my phone is off on my birthday and im not home and i delete happy birthday messages off facebook.

dude i should not blog at 4 in the morning while emo and after 1(apparently too many) red bulls...sorry if you had to read that

7 comments:

  1. Wow, well to make you feel better I get all weird and creeped put on everything at the wee hours of the morning. Probably making it harder for me to get back to sleep. My hubby became a cop about 3 years ago and as much as I would like to tell you it's been all roses and sunshine . . . . . it has not. It is not just a career change for the family but an entire life change. It is a lifestyle in a way and I have learned to be way more independent, tougher, and learn to improvise with schedules, cop stress, etc. It has been very hard for us. My husband loves his job but it does change them and you and the quicker that you can accept things will be different from here on out and make do with what you are given (ex: daddy not being around for little parties, holidays, etc.) the better off you will be. Much of the time I do (and so many other cops wives I am friends with) feel like a single mother. I do not want to scare you but wish so badly that someone had just said to me exactly what I have written here in the very beginning. I hope this helps and know you can e-mail me personally any time if you so wish: gouty 2 at yahoo dot com.

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  2. Okay. I wrote a epic comment and it got deleted. Just great. I was saying that there is a gal on Police Wives Unite who's husband is both a deputy (i think) and a pastor. Her name is Voyles. I'm not sure how that is possible, but maybe your hubby could do both?! :)

    I'm totally feeling ya on this post. All I can really say is that things improved 100% when he was finally done with the academy. He was also working full time at the same time, but it was one of the most difficult times for us in every way while he was in the academy.

    I'm sorry that your birthday marks such a sad ocassion for you! My mother in law tried to kill herself on easter and is still on the edge and calls HF all the time. He's her crutch so to speak and it really weighs on him to deal with that. It scares him also as we live 3,000 miles away from her. We don't know how it will work out with her in the end, but it is difficult. I wish her grandkids were enough to make her want to live.

    I think we have much in common. I also use the Growing kids God's way series. LOVE It.

    Being able to say what's on your mind and heart is a good thing. So many of us can relate and appreciate a post like this.

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  3. I wrote a long comment here but then realize, this is a post on it's own. So you've inspired me to write at my own blog on these thoughts of yours, which by the way, are quite normal for a new copswife. I'll be linking to you as my inspariation, hope you don't mind, considering the fact that we were not supposed to read your post at all. :-)

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  4. Hello, I'm a cops wife and 911 dispatcher, it is hard at first, but God is always with us. right now i'm working days and my Man is on nights. We get about 4 days off a month together.. Remember, this to will pass and He will still be there for you and yours.

    ps911dispatcher@live.com

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  5. Hi Tara - first time reader, over from Married To The Law (and before that, A Police Wife).

    I want to give you a big hug - I'm so heartsore for you. I really wish I could give you some sort of magical tip for getting through the rest of this month (and everything else after that) but I can't, and I hate that.

    Never be afraid to have a bit of an emotional rant online! I find it quite difficult because at DH's request, I don't post about his profession on my blog or mention it (much!)on others' blogs for security reasons. I still find it difficult to divulge much when commenting - I try to keep my blogging persona and my 'cops wife' persona as separate as possible. But there are days I just want to brag about the great stuff Hubs is doing, or fret out loud about the struggles we might be going through and I can't. Last year, for example, we had a SERIOUS health scare which occured while he was at work (think about the types of people police have to deal with on a regular basis, and the 'tools of the trade' they carry, and you're just about there) and I was a wreck for months, but had to blunder through 'alone'.

    I noticed on your brother's YouTube clip (what a wonderful thing to do, btw) that the service was held in a particular country town? If you'd like to email me at lizzies.home(at)hotmail(dot)com I'll let you know why that sparked my interest :) I'm also assuming you and your husband work in the same state's capital currently? I'd love to chat to you about that.

    *Hugs*

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  6. Stressed Mum Of TwoAugust 11, 2009 at 7:25 PM

    Just playing the game of clicking the links, and discovering more blogs than I knew.

    Came originally from a UK site, www.citypolicewag.blogspot.com then got sent here by copswife.

    We recently moved with my hubbys job to a (very) rural beat when he got promoted to sergeant, and although I thought it would mean more time together he gets called out all the time on top of his shifts so we haven't been spending any time together recently. Keep strong!

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  7. 5 years.
    That's how long I'll give it.

    Until you realize that He has given you a unique opportunity to touch lives that you may not have even realized.

    I wish I could share in public some of the opportunities He has given me. They were excruciatingly painful, but I am able to speak to some instances with a knowledge that others may not have.

    So mark my words... in 5 years you'll be again amazed at just what your Heavenly Father has done!

    Peace to you.

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